Since tearing my ACL and meniscus, I've been really torn (punning) when it comes to topics of conversations. On the one hand, all I want to talk about is my knee. That's all I think about right now, so naturally it's all I want to talk about. But then I start talking about it, get frustrated and don't want to talk about it anymore... until I want to talk about it again. My friends and family, bless their hearts, are some of the best people around. They've been really awesome when it comes to talking about what I want to talk about, and that makes things a lot easier. I kind of expected that. It's like getting cheated on. And you don't want to know anything about the other girl. But you want to know everything about her.
What I didn't expect was how easy it would be to talk about it with so many people that have been through it. It's like a gang. Like, I had no idea. A good gang though. With gang lingo and an understanding that outsiders (me last month) don't know anything about. They don't steal or kill. I am currently just in my 100 level classes. Like learning the anatomy and trying to keep my stomach during discussions. Let's put it this way, I liked my knee better when I didn't really know it that well.
Now that I have some lingo down and I've been ushered into the gang (thank you to all members, you've been incredible) I'm starting to get a sense of this journey.
Here's what I got so far...
I suck on crutches. (better on crutches than riding a bike though)
I'm not always good at asking for help. Except when it's stuff I don't normally want to do. (I just hate washing dishes, sorry)
I've come to basically stalking my own team and sending them love notes. <3
My brain is over-processing every single thing.
And the worst one so far.
Call it what you will, but every single night before I go to sleep I have a little of what seems like anxiety. "Did I forget to do something on my list today?" "Did so and so take their birthday off of Facebook?" Is someone standing outside my door? If so, do they have snacks? JK "What drills should I do with my players?" "Should I be running more?" You get the idea. I have a million thoughts.
There's only one way to clear my mind before bed. I visualize myself doing the most magical stuff with the ball. Chipping goalkeepers from half field. Nutmegs on nutmegs. Breakaway rainbows. Everything. And I can see them in slow motion and with the roar of the crowd and all the celebrations I never think to do after I score.
Falling asleep is usually really easy for me because I taught myself to do this. It took a long time. But it has made a huge difference in my life.
Unfortunately, now, when I go to visualize, all I see is my knee giving out. I see fall after fall after fall. And it brings me straight to tears. I'm frustrated I can't get that image out of my head and I'm terrified that when I step on the field again that's what it will be like.
I know that to get out of my 100 level classes, I'll have to get past this point. And obviously, it's really early on and this process isn't an easy one, or else they would probably call it --a party. Or something.
Regardless, there's a part of me that enjoys the challenge. I probably wouldn't have picked this one necessarily (I'm more of a bowling kind of girl) but hey, I'm taking what's been graciously placed on my lap. Here's to taking baby steps until I die. (Thanks Carmelina) Because I won't be broad jumping to the finish line (like literally right now) I'll have to take it slow, process it well and be much much stronger than I've ever had to be in the past.
If this was a bit too emotional, read this funny interview I did. K. Thanks.